| 活着真他妈的没意思 |
[Dec 7th] |
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mood |
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 meh |
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Christmas is here, it's that month again!... That ordinary month where everyone is so busy and so cheerful... meh, Christmas can suck a cock for all I care.
Zoe's birthday is next Friday, I will make something for her because I am too broke to buy her a present, and hopefully she'll like it. Speaking of presents, it's Christmas! Woo, everyone is getting presents. This is the time of year where I rant because I never get anything for Christmas. The only present I remember receiving is from Ava, haha.. not even from my parents, isn't that funny? Well not really, but whatever. I want a guitar. Gibson SG.
I'm becoming more reclusive than before; I can sort of feel it. Is this what artists become once they know their purpose in life? I've been doing a lot of drugs lately, haha I know what you're thinking:“liek omg!” but nah, its cool, im not gonna OD on cannabis and die, nor am I going to OD on heroin the next day. Haha I swear that's what the anti drug commercial said too. But yeah, drugs gave me inspiration, since no one has been providing me with any, since I haven't broke anyone's heart in almost 2 months, heh. I wonder what's next, sleep with guys? Lol
I need a mic so I can finish recording Flat #12, I want to add my vocals in badly, but meh, no $=no mic. I'll have to live with it. Haha... Its funny how its been almost a month since my last physical contact with a girl, weird because I don't hear Najah ask me about girls anymore.... meh, I am a hermit at his best, I live like a fucking pregnant woman. Its amazing that I see sunlight everyday... I want to go to school.
Well theres nothing else to write about. But hey! Heres a pic of me getting stoned!
Want a video too?
MEH
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| TIME FOR CAKE AND SODOMY |
[Oct 30th] |
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mood |
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 I'd like to lo lo lo lo love U |
] |
Ok so last night I downloaded the entire discography of Marilyn Manson because I left my CD case containing all of my Manson CDs in Florida, it’s been 4 months since I listened to Manson. The file contained eight albums which is about 130-150 songs (omg) and once again… like two years ago, as I listened to The Speed of Pain, I cried. This is very nostalgic to me and once again, Manson became my life. I felt like I’m in the arms of an angel – angel with scab wings that is. :)
Going to Nassau on Tuesday morning, hopefully I can see Candace, Ava or Angel and most of all, my U.S Green Card. Its October already, in about 2 months I’ll be gone, who knows maybe 1 month, I need to move on with my life because this place is dragging me into a pit of misery. Last night I had the worst dream that drove me in the kind of fear I never knew I had. The dream is very lucid, and it goes like this:
I was in my room; it was very humid, like a cave, with water on the ceiling. It was dark and gave me the creeps, but there was light, light reflections actually, because there was a puddle by my closet. I was trying to figure out why was there a puddle in my room, because I have carpets, and it looked quite deep too because the reflection was shining my eyes. There was a pole next to me; it was a fishing rod, I picked it up and out of curiosity I lowered it in the puddle, as soon as I did that, I caught something I pulled it out of the water and it was… something… strange. It wasn’t a fish, well semi-fish, I can’t really describe what it is but it had a distinct sound, it had the sound of a baby because it was crying like one. I was afraid, I didn’t know what to do but I didn’t let go of the rod. It was struggling everywhere and tried to bite me because the hook penetrated its lips and it was crying loudly, I couldn’t take it anymore, I threw it on my bed and fled the room.
In the living room, my mom was sitting by the table, it was odd, because there was candle light, and before I could tell her what happened she looked at me in the eye and told me that we need to move out of this house its not safe, Jay came out of nowhere and started arguing saying no we will not move out, the child’s fear in me was release, I was on the verge of crying and screaming, then my dream switched scenes…
It appeared to be a long time ago, years ago I suppose, it was in the front of the house in the drive way. A really broken down and scratched red car pulled up, I walked by the window and saw this lady, she was really grumpy and didn’t appeared to notice me at all, there were 2 kids and a baby in the car with her. The baby was crying and it sounded just like the thing I fished up, at that time my fear came right back and I saw the woman beating one of the kids violently in the car, I stood there frozen then I woke up.
Woke up and listened to more Manson
Whats my name? whats my name?
Hold the S because I am an AINT.
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| Blarhdyblarh |
[Oct 3rd] |
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mood |
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 !!!!!!!!!!! |
] |
Its 3:45 in the morning, and there’s nothing better than being completely naked in bed, watching peewee’s playhouse while smoking a Dunhill. Oh yes, and today’s secret word of the day is – Little (*AHHHHHHHH!*). There are two bad roaches in the kitchen, I just came from there, they threatened me with a pocket knife saying that they’ll cut me good… meh… those are some bad roaches.
I don’t know why, but I don’t like my new house much, mainly is because I dislike its location, and second reason being too many roaches in this house. Really, they’re the size of my thumbs; they look like they can fly on my face in the blink of an eye. I better do something about these bad roaches, I don’t want Ava to be too freaked to sleep over, heh. *sigh* I miss good ol' B.C.
Earlier tonight I helped my mom in sorting out some old clothes, I swear it made us seem so fucking rich, my mom had about 100 items of clothing and she doesn’t wear any of them. She asked me to find a way to get rid of them and the first thing that came to my mine was… Lanny… heh, guess I’m going to go see her tomorrow afternoon.
Lately I’ve been having hard times sleeping, everyday I stay up until 4-5am, and sometimes I even watch the sky brightens up before I fall asleep. Maybe I’m just trying to make the day go by faster by sleeping, but by sleeping during the day, I’m forced to stay awake at night, I haven’t been out jogging in weeks now, I feel so useless. There is absolutely nothing to do around here, I go to work and sit there for hours, I deliver food once in a while, no tips, haha, and then back to sitting at the bar for hours…
Every night I get so bored, midnight cruising has been a habit nowadays. I drive around town blasting tunes out of my speakers and scream along with it, usually RATM, A7X, or Children of Bodom. I drive around, buy a chocolate bar at the gas station, then find a place to chill, usually an empty parking lot, and there are lots of those to find at 12am in the morning... I guess I am lonely.
*sigh* it sucks when you’re single and there are no fuck buddies to fuck around with.
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| Dreams |
[Aug 17th] |
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mood |
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 weird |
] |
i had another weird dream last night.. it was the most strange
scene 1
i was in a bright place, it was familiar, it was so bright i was going blind, it reminds me of heaven. i noticed a couch on the left side of me, a treadmill on the right side, its so familiar i realized that it was Ava's house, i began to look for her. i found her sitting on the backroom couch watching TV with her usual pose, everything was still so bright i can barely see her, but i was so happy to see her i went in front of her and said hi, but she couldnt see me, all she saw was the TV in front of her. i began to panic, then i saw my own face, i saw the situation and everything from a different perspective, i saw how contorted my face was, how everything looks Rotoshopped...
scene2
i was home, in the bahamas, i was in school, i showed Ashley the cool art pencil i bought a few days ago, she was impressed. then i was talking to a friend (who, i dont know) I told him that I'm going to Beijing on saturday, he told me something i couldnt recall...
scene3 i cant remember it exactly, it was something about me trying to flicker a light switch but i cant reach it
scene4
I was in a car with a friend, he was black, i cant see his face, but i could tell by the african american accent, we were making a useless conversation which i remember nothing of. then our car stopped, we both put on balacavas made from black plastic bags, I remember him sayin "man this is the last time we goin use these shits" and im replyin "yeh dog, im wit u", then he told me to head to the back. we went inside a store and he went to the front to stick the people up at the register, i went to the back and start taking things, i rememer eactly what i did. i went to the back and there was the cigarret counter with no one there, i broke the display and took bunch of packs of aspin, 2 boxes of habana cigars, and some other cigars scattered around, then i went to the game counter which was next to it, i smashed it open and took a brand new PSP and some PSP movies and games, i remember thinking that im going to give this PSP to Bones. then a woman saw me and started to scream, i smashed her face with my gun handle and the next thing i knew we were in the car fleeing away. i remember laughing and asking him if he wanted a cigar to celebrate our victory, and i remember lighting one for him. then suddenly i felt scared, i remember thinking that what if they saw that I was asian and I have dyed blond hair? I remember thinking that I have to dye and cut my hair myself because i cant go to a barber shop because they'd reconize me. then i woke up
i suppose im very much influenced by the movie Waking Life i saw a few days ago.
at the last scene of my dream, i found joy.
does that make me a criminal?
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| bloop |
[Aug 10th] |
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mood |
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 123456789, fuck, shit, piss |
] |
so here i am, bored again, bored at life. its like hmm.. i dont mind if i die, because it is so pointless. yeah i get like this sometimes. its like im stuck at a crossroad, but i dont feel like moving, i just wanna lie here and sleep.. or .. die.. whatever works. sigh, i know it dosent make sense, it dosent have to, because QG had told me that internet blog is just a place to release your feelings, all the feelings thats stuck in you and you dont feel like screaming. so here i am, "screaming" with my fingers. aaahhhhhh~ FFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK. ok im done.
I've been listening to Blink182's "Stockholm Syndrome" over and over again, i dont know why, but ive been listening to it over and over again, its almost like im in the song, its almost like i wrote the song myself. i feel like sleeping but i cant close my eyes, because when i do, i see horrible things. yes, ive been having bad dreams lately, i think i have this strong sense of anxiety in me but i dont know what im anxious for. meh, ive been playing alot of PSP to get my mind off of things, DevHook or your mom's cunt bitches.
anyway, after two useless paragraphs of senseless babbling i feel like sharing stuff, so here's a poem i wrote a few days ago, its not quite finished because i need to modify it more to make it into a song. and yeh, it has no name right now.
theres something about this female character
something about her that make me smile
those beautiful eyes behind those pink glass frames
are enough to make you stare for a while
she never talks when people are around
and she smiles only when no one's looking
her everything intrigues me so and i noticed
shes always gigling about something
when i look at her she looks away
a bit of blush on her beautiful face
huh? is it me i asked myself
nah, i think she just acts that way
i dont know whats gotten into me but
i cant stop looking at this beautiful girl
her eyes, her lips, her smile, her blush,
shes slowly invading my little world.
as you might have noticed, no picture links this time. boohoo
123456789 <---- click here motherfuckers.
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[Aug 5th] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
In these words that crash my ears
I now stomach this with fear
With my turn I gathered name as the bastard's son
Who by fire I would come
Through these wires I must cut
Atop this tower of loss and lust
I'll gravitate towards you
I will, in the now, hate you
I'll make you wish you hadn't burned our time before
I'll live through this in a manner
Cursed at my own accord
If my shame spills our worth across this floor
Then tonight, goodnight... I'm burning star IV
Only I don't even think of you
No I don't want to think of you anymore
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye
In my presence you might wake
Through this fiction I must fake
Your death to grace the face of my character
With these lessons he might learn
That all of the worlds from here must burn
For as god demands in the end we miss
I don't want to go
So come on bitch, why aren't you laughing now?
You left me here to fend on my own
"Apollo I: The Writing Writer"
if the words you said before you left were true....
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| yeyers. |
[Aug 2nd] |
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mood |
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 yayers |
] |
so yeah.. my journal entry does not have all that fancy font size and colors, im just straight to the point kind of a guy... maybe im not. because if i was then she wouldnt be in pieces. but thats not what im writing this shit for tonight. anyway, i havent been writing much since the last entry, i guess i have been sorta busy with things. i have a laptop! i have a camera! i have a bunch of things! and today, ive finally just got my converse-knock-off! damn, it is hard to find size 13 in china, ppl are too little. heh.
a few days ago, i got some of those magician strings from the local "alternitive store" (like hottopic but less lame) and now i am my own Chris Angel (but with more fat and less attractive.. but certainly taller :D). anyway just LOOK AT IT! how cool is that? ehh? ehh? :D ok maybe im not that good at magic, i need more practice n shit, but you get the point.
now on to more serious things, the things "people" come here to see, drama(lol). yes yes. i love you, you love me, i hurt you, you hate me. blahblahblah and i am fucking GAY. there, happy, happy now? now you can go take her offer and drown in her little world and let her fix you up. both of your fucking little worlds can emerge and form a big one. the biggest fucking cloud in the universe. so big, so thick not even the entrire dalek race can penetrate through. yeh? you ask me who am i? well i'll tell you.. im the doctor.
im surely going crazy by the stares of a quiet little girl...
... and her words.. and her blog entry. : /
shut the fuck up, i fucking love you damn it. enough.
i am way too far to be caught in this. im done.
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[Jul 13th] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
so yes this is my first entry. im sitting here drinking my jello, the kind of jello you would only know about and see on the first few episodes of FLCL, oh they're good. today was not as hectic as usual, i got up, played with my mac 10 for a while, god i fucking love this thing. I replied my email to QG, took a cold shower, smoked a fag of the next best thing to weed, it was a bitch to roll, so i had to use a cigarette stick and replace the tobacco part. i got dressed and got out, while walking half way to my aunts house, i got hungry and bought some road side BBQ, it was good.
around 12:30 I got to my aunts house, had lunch, then went on the computer. around 2:30 me and my cousin took a cab to our teachers house.
this guy must have about 500 DVDs in his room, stacks and stacks everywhere, i asked him if he had saw all of the DVDs in his room, he said yes, every single one, no wonder hes fucking fat. we chilled at his house, we smoked, talked, and watched bunch of music DVDs, we watched alot of Children Of Bodom video and live shows, Steve Vai videos, Slipknot, In Flame, and some Chris Cunningham videos. in the middle of watching cunningham videos it started to rain, damn man-made rain clouds, save some of those shells for war damn it. it was fucking pouring, electricity off, nothing to do, windows closed because the wind was so strong. they both took their shirt off because it was so hot, it was becomming a fucking sausage fest, thank god there was a call for my cousin, it was his dad, he wass comming pick us up from the teachers house, saved. i lit up a cigar and continue to chill, and our ride came right after 1/4 if my cigar became ashes.
i went back to my aunts house, had dinner, went on MSN and talked to QG online for about 5 mintues, walked to my other aunts.
this is where i am right now, at my aunts house, in my room typing on the computer, talking to QG on MSN. fuck i am sleepy, its been a long day, i need to sleep.
i want some rabbit meat for breakfast tomorrow morning.
du hast mich
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